When the past haunts
by LeopardFang
Summary: After Trinity, Rodney McKay thinks about a tragic past and his recent mistake. He thinks all of his friends have deserted him, and blames himself for it causing him to build up his walls, Meanwhile a figure of his past comes back with the goal of destroying everything he worked so hard to get. Will his ex-friends be there for him, or will he lose everything? Mcshep friend or slash.
1. Chapter 1 The blood on my hands

_**When the past haunts**_

_**Chapter 1 The blood on my hands**_

_**A day after the events of Trinity. Rodney McKay Pov.**_

'_It isn't fair, how every time I earn something, in the end I always lose it' _I thought, Thinking of a past that I usually avoided thinking about. It was my mother's and father's anniversary and it just seemed wrong to avoid thinking about them.

I had always loved my mother. My mom had died from a car crash on the way to the store. She had been about to buy me my school supplies, when a drunk driver hit her car. She died. Sometimes I would catch myself thinking about her, every time I saw the ocean outside Atlantis it reminded me of her, the dark blue ripping water matched her eyes and her intellect.

Together my parents were strong and brave and loyal and _Kind_, but without his wife my dad fell apart. Eventually my father died of a heart attack, The doctors said it was from his drinking. But I had thought that it wasn't true at the time. His drinking only seemed to make him stronger; he hit me harder when he was drunk, at least.

He had always blamed me for mother's death, even more so when I let my unreadable mask slip to reveal complete outrage when he had started dating _her._

Her, as in my step-mother. She was horrible. She would lock me in the dark closet for days, even weeks. No food. No water or barely any water. Then afterword she would give me lemon water, all aware of the effects it had on me. She liked to see my face grow puffy and my eyes to grow wide as I gasped for breath. I had almost died many times, once though I had lost my edge completely.

Jay had to save me.

Jay was my step-sister. Her and father's daughter. She was beautiful, with her mother's long glossy black hair and father's sharp blue eyes. She had nicknamed me "Robin". No matter how hard I tried to shake of the name, it stuck. My Step-Mother had locked her in the closet with me before, though most of the time it was either me or her. We learned to depend on each other, when we were hurt badly the other patched us up. We shared any food or water received and huddled together for warmth when the temperature got to low.

Once my step-mother went too far, no food and no water for three weeks in the dark closet alone. When my mother had opened the door and seen me unconscious she had shrugged and kicked me until I awoke, she had poured the citrus water down my throat and my shriveled up throat had given up and I had stopped breathing.

That was Jay had to save me. She had tried saving me herself before managing to steal mother's phone and call an ambulance, when I returned from my near death experience Jay was gone. I had screamed for months for her and when I finally found out what happened, I was very relived.

Child services had taken her and she was brought to a nice home with a nice family. The nurses had told me this as they shone lights in my eyes that seemed way too bright. They had said this as my dad and Step-parents were handcuffed and pulled away, into jail.

At first I had been confused when lots of leather clad people with guns had come inside to search for me and apparently others that I hadn't known existed, but apparently did, locked away in closets and dehydrated and starving.

Just like me.

Though unlike me they didn't have the need for a purpose, they had thought _survive _and that was it. Their mother's hadn't taught them to play the piano elegantly, or father's that taught them wonders of engineering.

That was before mother died and father betrayed me, when I had smiled at knowing jokes and laughed with friends. When looking at the stars was as natural as me playing the piano.

After the betrayal of my father, and then his death, and the death of my mother, after nearly dying and forcing to live without Jay. I only opened myself up to one person, my piano teacher.

With her warm eyes and bright smile. With the waves of blonde hair that so reminded me of my mother. She had loved my playing and loved how I would design small little doo-dads for her. I would also fix things easily. I fixed her cracked and soaked cell phone and she had seemed impressed. After all at the time I was only seven.

Then she was gone.

Gone, without a trace, disappeared. I had stopped playing the piano then. I stopped letting people in. I stopped being quiet and kind.

Instead I closed myself off from everyone, retreating into a world of science. For science became my solace. Science didn't leave you. Science didn't hurt you. Science didn't betray you. Science didn't die.

People did.

For that was the only reason that my piano teacher had left so abruptly why everyone else I had seen avoided me or looked upset and close to tears. I was smart, I knew what had happened, even if no one told me. She had died. She was dead.

Her death had been the breaking point. I let science control my life and hid all sensitive feelings behind walls, Built up all my walls piece by piece, with every vicious word and ignorant ramble.

And then I went to Atlantis.

The people there were so determined and kind, trying to break down my walls and get me to open up. They succeeded. I wasn't strong enough to resist. I began to trust them and care about what they thought of me.

Surprisingly they trusted me in return. Put their lives in my hands more than once. It was so unusual to have friends. _Real friend_s. Not people-that-hung-out-with-you-because-you-more-interesting-then-blank-air, but someone who had liked to be around you.

Then Arcturus.

That stupid stupid project that had killed Collins. It felt like a rock dropped in my stomach. The guilt that was eating me alive returned and I bit my lip. In the heat of the moment I had forgotten the most important rule of his. No one else knew of it, in fact my mother had told me it and only me.

"_The death of one may seem little if it will save many, but it causes destruction, guilt and pain that will forever reside in your conscience. You can feel the blood on your hands, Meredith, the blood never washes off" _

Her words had been soft and by calling me Meredith, instead of Rodney, was her way of telling me it was important. I hadn't understood at the time why this was so important but had seen the sadness lurking in those beautiful blue eyes and, as her son, had felt the urge to make it disappear. I had replied in a soft and sure voice mumbling an agreement and asking for another piano lesson which had caused a little light to fill her eyes.

That was what was going through my mind as I stared at the waves crashing against the side of Atlantis. I was sitting on the edge of a unused balcony, my legs dangling over the edge. Unconsciously I glanced at my hands as if searching for the blood that surely coated my hands. Collins blood.

Collins who had been so alive before today, who had been whistling a quiet tune that I could vaguely remember learning to play the piano to many years ago. It had felt odd hearing it come from one's mouth in a piercing tone instead of a deep piano beat. _Oh god_ he was whistling to deaths door.

Sudden icy cold shook me and I shivered wrapping my bare arms around my chest. I was wearing only a blue t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. I hadn't even noticed that I had accidently grabbed jeans instead of my usual pants, until now.

The sun had begun to set and an airy quiet had settled over the city, that reminded me all too well of being locked in the closet, feeling the darkness suffocate me, or was that the dehydration that was choking me, or was that citrus closing up my throat.

It took me a moment to ordinate myself- barely stopping myself from slipping off the edge as my hands reached for my throat as if to pry away invisible hands that were slowly choking me. A burning filled my eyes and for a moment I was back in that dreaded closet with the door slightly ajar, staring at the innocent looking water, it tainting at my dry cracked lips. I had known it was laced with poison though, just as well as I had known that the sneering face in front of me was daring me to drink.

But citrus water was better than no water, I had learned that once I had started to not drink the citrus-water they gave me.

'_If I died of dehydration who would be the wiser' _I had thought darkly considering not drinking it. But still I found myself drinking it.

I would usually grip in a white knuckled grip, a couple times the glass had shattered and glass had hit my step-mother's face. She had locked me in the closet with the glass shards still imbedded in my flesh. I had been holding it in my left hand slightly twisting it towards me, causing the most of the damage to assort my left wrist.

I was staring at the scars now. I usually put on complexion to hide the scars, people would want to know where I got them. That was just too personal to share, But now they are there in plain sight, The traces of white and light pink lacing my left wrist in jagged and ragged lines. There was also longer shining pink scar from my wrist to my elbow, where Kolya had decided to tear apart my wrist. I flexed my arm and watched as the scars shifted.

I imagined the scars being scarlet as if they'd show the blood that had been spilled that fateful day, or the blood that had been placed on my hands today. The scars on my wrist would never heal; as the invisible blood would never wash of my hands.

To my surprise I realized in shock, that my hands _were _actually bloody, Coated in blood that had resulted from me digging my nails into my palms. I uncurled my fists and watched as blood pooled in the palm of my hand, and then onto the floor, and then onto my wrists, and then into the water.

It was an awful lot of blood for just digging my nails into my palms, but then those fingers typed restlessly at keyboards constantly. I couldn't seem to force myself to even clench my hands to slow the bleeding and help it clot, much less stand and make sure it stays uninfected.

Then I found myself humming the same tune that Collins had, watching as the sun rose and my blood slowly clotted and dried.

It took me a while to realize that I had work to do and Zelinka was probably waiting for me in the lab, With a jolt I stood and used my arm to wipe of the blood staining the floor, Realizing that I couldn't feel my fingers in the process.

I walked straight to my barely used quarters and went straight to the sink washing the blood off my hands and arms, before changing my clothes and rubbing the complexion on my left wrist.

When I looked in the mirror I noted the lifeless and numb look in my eyes, a look that Jay had often had after being locked in the closet for too long. I glanced down at my right hand and saw that the palm of my hand was marred by four deep and wide indentions. The left hand not much better. I smoothed down my brown hair and wolfed down a power-bar before leaving.

My vision was slightly blurred as I walked towards the lab. I tried to blink away the fuzziness but no luck. I blamed it on how I hadn't slept last night, Or the night before that, Or the night before that. Plus I had lived off Coffee and Power Bars for the last three days.

Now that I think about it, it makes sense.

When I finally arrived at my messy desk I stared at it blankly. Usually it was clean, but when I had a big project my mind is to full off writing down ideas and working, instead of organization.

It takes me a while to realize that I am still standing at my desk and staring at it blankly, while Zelinka watches me. "Uh… Rodney?" he says and I blink a few times, keeping my eyes closed for to long for it to really be considered blinking.

I have my own lab so I vaguely wondered why he was here but, unlike I normally would, I didn't voice the words. It felt like I was back with my father where every word had to be spoken quietly and only as a necessity. Too many words or to loud words would cause for either a beating or being locked in a closet. Of course this was Atlantis so I tried to shake off the feeling.

It took me a moment to realize that Zelinka was speaking and that he must have been for a while because he was waiting impatiently for an answer. I blinked another couple times, only this time rapidly and with the thoughts, '_I'm really slow today…'_

I spotted the coffee maker on the other side of the room and barely stopped the words _'I feel like a zombie' _from passing my lips as I walked over to it.

When I had a steaming cup of coffee and was more alert I relised that Zelinka looked furious. "I missed the last five minutes of this conversation" I said and that did _wonder_s for his mood.

"That's just it, you never pay attention to anything anyone else is saying." Zelinka said and I blinked at his blurry face with the thoughts '_I'm blinking a lot today'_

"Anyway, as I was saying before, Elizabeth wants to see you in her office. Immediately, I'm not sure why…" he said and a slick feeling of dread filled me.

'_Is she firing me? I did destroy 5/6 of a solar system and cause a death…' _I choked on my coffee at this point of thought, causing me to burn my hand.

I hissed in pain and knew that it would be, as Ford had once put it, '_One of those days.'_ _Oh god_… I hadn't thought of Ford in forever. I had fallen into the habit of trying to avoid thoughts that would cause pain. However, lately I had found myself thinking about every bad thing I ever did.

I realized that Zelinka was wondering why I was just standing around when he had just said that the commander of the base wanted to see me immediately. When he spoke in a voice laced with concern I jumped in surprise. "Rodney? Are you alright?"

"Fine" I said through gritted teeth as I walked towards Elizabeth's office.

On the way the blurry world began to spin uncontrollably. Nausea filled me and black spots swam in my vision. I stumbled and leaned against the wall.

My throat went dry and my eyes burned. My breath was coming in ragged gasps and darkness scummed the edges of my vision. I slid down the wall, my head falling into my hands when my feet touched the floor.

I had felt like this before. I knew it was a reaction to the combination of, lack of food, lack of water, and lack of sleep. Since the project I had either been too busy or too lost in thought to eat more than a couple of power bars and I couldn't remember the last time I had a bottle of water. You know my horrible sleeping habits and the fact that I haven't slept at all in days made it even worse.

So here I was struggling to stay awake. _Hell_, _struggling to breathe. _

**_This is my first SGA Fanfic, So what do you think? Nothing happened much in this chapter but it explained some of Rodney's past, which I made up it has almost nothing to do with the show. Anyway if you all like it I will continue, if you don't... i'll probably continue anyway it depends on my mood. Please Review or favorite or follow -Leopardfang_**

**_DISCLAMIER: I don't own what I used from the show... obviously_**


	2. Chapter 2 When the sky falls

_**Chapter 2 When the sky falls.**_

_**Two hours after chapter 1. Rodney McKay Pov.**_

A headache.

A terrible, horrible, splitting headache.

This is the first thing I recognize, the next being the dryness of my mouth and throat. After that I noticed that my lips were dry and cracked, causing me to unconsciously licked my lips.

The rest of my awareness kicked in after that. The sharp pain in both of my arms, the burning feeling in my right hand, the warm feeling of my left hand and the pressure I felt in my ribs, that was making it hard to draw in the roughest of breath's.

My eyes slant open quickly, in a slightly panicked way, and close just as suddenly when the Atlantis lights seem way too bright. When I am more oriented, I pull myself to my feet and wipe my mouth, unconsciously. When I find it covered in salty spit and warm blood I start in surprise. I know that the reason for my collapse also had to deal with me being Hypoglycemic.

I huff in annoyance as I pushed away from the wall and began walking towards my quarters, to clean up a little before meeting Elizabeth.

When I am finally in front of my mirror I am shocked by my appearance. I couldn't recognize the strong and brave Doctor Rodney McKay, but the Scared Little Robin McKay. I looked like I had in the past.

My hair was slick with sweat and my face paler than usual, highlighting the huge dark circles that clung off my narrowed-in-pain-and-full-of-tears-dull-blue-eyes. My bloody and rumpled Atlantis uniform seemed looser, to hang off my frame. I was rocking back and forth slightly and stumbled trying to regain my usual stance. I let out a broken sigh and then lashed out in anger. The glass shattered and I ignored the slice of glass into flesh.

I then reached for a power bar with my Covered-in-blood-hands-with-some-kind-of-clear liquid-coming-from-them.

I took a couple of bites, and almost spit it out. It tasted awful, usually they taste good but not this one. I threw the half eaten bar in the trashcan in disgust. I glanced at the clock, Surprised when it said that it was only 4pm.

Then I changed my bloody and dirty clothes for a pair of black pants and a cotton white shirt, Then I collapsed on the bed. Fully convinced that I could face tomorrow accordingly, That I could face Elizabeth's wrath tomorrow.

I should have known better.

As soon as I collapsed a voice boomed in my ear, where I had forgotten to take off my radio, "Doctor McKay there is an emergency in the control room, the gate turned on and we can't get it to shut off."

I let out an annoyed huff of breath and muttered, "I'll be there in a moment"

Then I turned off my radio and changed into my beige Atlantis uniform, rubbed a cool cloth over my forehead to wipe away the beads of sweat that infection had caused to appear on my forehead, and rubbed complexion on my wrist.

When I had arrived Zelinka was rapidly typing on a computer while Elizabeth and Sheppard stared at the open Stargate. "McKay" she stated at my appearance. I ignored her and went to my computer to fix the strange problem.

It didn't take long. The gate shut off and Zelinka looked surprised at how quickly it took me to fix it. "I reset it" I stated simply. He nodded and looked pointedly at Weir, knowing by her now-furious expression that I hadn't been to her for the meeting.

The day just got worse from that point on.

The meeting turned out to be a mission debriefing, for a hot desert planet…

My headache was no longer a headache, more of a very painful migraine…

My hands were no longer leaking clear liquid, but pouring yellow pus…

The world was still blurry, only now it was also spinning wildly…

So here I was walking in the desert in heaps of sunscreen that only succeeded in making the blowing sand stick to my skin. John was talking to the others, while I trail behind. I pull out a detector and find that it is set on the life signs setting. Only four dots are there. For a moment all I hear is my ragged breathes before hearing the annoying beeping sound.

It has only been on for a few moments when a voice booms from in front of me. I jump almost a foot in the air at the "Turn that damn thing off"

John's hand has come up, most likely to take the device from my hands. Still, I flinch violently from the angry voice and dangerous fist. Honestly I think it was more instinct than actual fear.

Of course I manage to trip over a rock in my haste to get away, Falling onto my back in seemingly slow motion. As my back hits the sand it blows into my shirt and I think, _With my luck this planet has Sand Fleas…_

It's then I realize that I had shoved my hands against the sand to soften my fall. Too make my fall less painful.

Needless to say it does nothing of the sort.

Instead it makes pain shoot through my fingertips up to my shoulders. My wounds must have reopened because blood splattered onto the pale sand, it isn't much at all, not enough to make a difference if I was healthy.

The spinning of the world told me that I wasn't.

I hoped that a hand would come down, a tan hand with a small scar across the palm. The one that always came down when I had fallen.

My hopes were crushed when I heard footsteps made by familiar combat boots, Sheppard was just walking away from me.

That was fine, my hopes were always crushed, I was used to it.

Then Pain.

White hot blinding pain.

I let out a soft cry and coughs rank my body. My ragged breaths grew more like sharp gasps as I grip the sand in a white-knuckled grip. I spit out a bittersweet metallic taste as my throat began to close up, with an all-too-familiar tingling sensation and the sharp tang of citrus.

I hear weight shift beside me. Sharp blue eyes meet mine. Her long glossy black hair is streaked in blood and the bruises that cover her pale face make her seem so real. Her black jeans are a few sizes too small and are ripped at one knee and halfway ripped at the other. Her dark blue shirt is a couple sizes too small and is covered in rips, sweat, and blood. The similarity is uncanny.

She is speaking to me now her soft voice just the same as I could always remember it. "Robin, deep breaths, breath with me" her breaths became slower and deeper.

I don't respond. I am too busy staring blankly at her. Because after all, she is dead.

"Wha..." I manage.

Her hands are cold as she brushes my chocolate brown hair away from my forehead, when her hand comes back bloody she shakes her head and says "Arn't you gettin' tired of this, Robin?"

"Of?"

She waves her hands around dramatically as she replies "This"

At my confused expression she explains with a sigh.

"The hunger, the thirst, the pain" she says, wiping the blood that coats her fingers onto her shirt absentmindedly.

"It gets so tiring" she says, "I can't wait until I can escape from here, and actually live my life"

I had heard that same statement before. The memory was burned in my skull. The words I whispered still burned in my skull.

"There isn't no escape, There is no other life to live. You are where ya are. Hope does nothin' but bring you down in the end."

I blinked and just like that she was gone. I pull myself to my feet, and see that the others are almost out of sight now, and I run to catch up.

It's then that I hear my smaller tablet vibrate against my chest. When I pull it out off my pocket and look at the screen a feeling of dread and horror fills me. I quickly shove it back into my pocket and glance ahead to make sure that no one else saw what that screen had said and shown.

I allow a sharp gasp of relief escape my lips at this point before continuing to walk forward, staying at a steady pace behind Sheppard.

_**Meanwhile. John Sheppard Pov**_

His hands were shaking.

His hands never shook. Even when there was a hostage situation his hands never shook, they were always steady. They had to be, to be able to type as lightning fast as he could. They had to, to be able to write down formulas in a second.

I am so lost in thought that I almost don't notice that he was breathing heavy, unnaturally heavy. Like he had just ran a marathon in a desert. When I turn I notice that he looks…

"You look like shit, McKay"

He simply nods and shoves his shaking hands behind his back. I begin to tilt my head in confusion, before remembering that Majors don't do that.

_But Majors don't really worry about murders either. _

Still I am worried, after all a week ago he was my best friend. He is still a member of my team and I told him that he could have a chance to regain my trust. My bitter feelings still stay though. It would take a lot for him to earn my trust back.

A sharp gasp from behind me jerks me out of my memories and I turn to look at McKay.

That's when I see it.

Scarlet liquid smeared on his shoulder, "Are you _bleeding_?"

He doesn't reply, the deer-in-the-head-lights look all over his face. Ronan turned at my words and saw the blood on his shirt. "McKay?"

"I" he said looking at his hands, turning them upside down to show both palms scarlet with blood. Then he shrugged it off and said, "I'm fine, they don't hurt"

Teyla shoots me a glare that made me flinch. _It's not like it was my fault that he accidently slashed his hand and didn't tell us. I didn't have any say in it._

Teyla approached him and the guilt struck me when he looks surprised when her slender fingers took his hands and examined them. "They are infected" she stated simply, giving Rodney a half-glare half-grimace. "That could be why you don't feel them"

"I can feel them, they just aren't _that_ painful." He replies quickly while pulling his hands away from her.

It's then I notice his eyes.

I mean it's not like I didn't know that they were there, but the determination and intelligence I usually see there is gone, Replaced by dull blue eyes that darted around as if scared of something.

That's when it hit me.

Honestly it made me feel guilty that I hadn't noticed before. That I had been to focused on my own problems to realize someone else was drowning in guilt and half-buried memories.

There was something else too.

The lingering shocked and devastated look in his eyes to me so. The slight way his eyebrows drew together in worry told me so. The way he held his injured hands right beside his neck in a defensive position told me so. The sudden crack that announced the now broken scanner told me so.

I muttered a single word. The word that made my jaw clench in the sudden anger that exploded through every fiber in my body. I still wasn't prepared for the pure fury that escaped from my throat as I barked _"Who?"_

Rodney's eyes opened wider in panic and I saw _that_ look. That look that determines your defensive mechanism. I could almost see the words written in his eyes. The calculations running through his mind as if math could solve his problem. The invisible question lurked in his gaze, which had locked with mine.

_Fight or Flight?_

I didn't give him time to reach a decision. Instead I lunged and pounced, Bringing us down in a tangle of limbs. Something warm and sticky splatters against my cheek in the brief struggle. I know it's blood but also that it's to late to back away.

After a time I have him on his back while I am kneeling beside him, leaning over him with my arms flailing to keep his struggling to a minimum.

He finally stops moving and I find myself saying, "You can trust me McKay. Tell me."

He just points to his tablet and I look at it questioning. When I pick it up and unlock it with his password. I almost drop it in surprise.

The screen is a document. It has a few paragraphs written on it that appear to have been written quickly, despite the lack of misspelled words.

"_Robin, I hate to send you this. I really need your help. She has been released from prison. She knows where I am and I think that's she coming to punish us. Oh god her car's outside, Robin can you save me? It's her. She's coming. OMG she's coming in the house. HELP ME. –Jay"_

I glance at Rodney in surprise and confusion. He is staring blankly at it before saying "That's not all" I look downwards and read the rest.

"_You didn't think you could fly away little Robin, Did you? I have Jay and I know that birds fly in packs. I suggest you hurry, blue can turn scarlet. I look forward to seeing you -Hawk"_

His eyes are guarded and emotionless. His movements have stilled completely. The sharpness of his cheekbones sharpen when he clenches his jaw. I can see his fingers curl inward, the nails fitting perfectly into bloody indentions.

"Who's Hawk?"

This is my first question. I watch his eyes narrow slightly in the anger the name so obviously gave him, but his answer is short and sarcastic. Like biting remarks and sarcasm is how he builds his walls. It takes the situation to a whole new level. Rodney seems to be thinking of the 'new level' thing as well, Though for a completely different reason.

"She takes the evil stepmother complex to a whole new level"

For a second I blink at him, Before turning to the curious and worried gazes of Teyla and Ronan. Teyla gets the silent message and walks away grabbing Ronan's arm and telling him to follow her. He shoots us one more confused glance, before leaving.

"Who's Jay?"

He winces at her name. His eyes turn towards his left arm and he almost whispers his response.

"My half-sister"

He says this with a detached tone. His hands are twitching nervously his short dark eyelashes fluttering together, when his eyelids slid shut.

"We went through hell and back. It made us closer."

His words are quiet and hesitant, as if he was afraid of my reaction. His eyes have opened and he seems to be calculating my features to reach a conclusion of my emotions.

I have seen this look on Rodney once in my life, when he had jumped in front of Elizabeth to save Kolya. Then I had thought that I had imagined the look he held, with all the pouring rain that blurred my vision and the tiredness that made my muscles screech in pain.

For only those who had to learn to gauge people's emotions, so that would know how to react fast enough to lessen damage, had that look. That defensive narrowed eyes and clenched jaw.

He had been selfless. He had risked his life for Elizabeth. Now that I thought about it he had saved all of our lives many times.

Then he had made a mistake and we all hated him.

His mistake had caused Collin's death. His mistake had destroyed half a solar system. His mistake had caused our mutual trust to bend to the point of shattering.

Shattering.

I could see it in his eyes. He was shattered, into a million little sharp pieces. He felt guilty about the death of Collins. He felt guilty about ruining our trust. He felt guilty about this whole situation.

It was selfish of me to demand answers to such a broken soul, but I still did.

"Tell me everything."

_**Hello. Sorry that it took so long to update but every time I would get an idea and write it I would get a better one and then I had a perfect chapter and then accidently deleted it. Then I realized that I hadn't updated in so long so I wrote this chapter in a few hours, so don't be mad if it isn't the best chapter ever. More importantly though, Will Rodney tell John what had happened? Will Rodney get there in time to save Jay? Will you ever meet this Jay person? You will have to wait and see. *Realizes how much of a cliffhanger I left you and runs away in guilt* -Leopardfang**_


	3. Chapter 3 The feeling of despair

_**Rodney McKay. Directly after chapter 2.**_

It was propally the worst time ever to have a Hypoglycemic reaction. But then everything seemed to be going to hell today. Actually hell was a good description of my life now. I tried to focus on John's blurry face. He had just asked something. It was important. Very Very important.

I just forgot what it was.

I mean he can't expect anyone to take anything he says seriously when his hair is sticking in all different direction in a total gravity defying bubble. Bubbles. I like Bubbles. I had always liked bubbles with all their clearness and shininess. But then Piano's were shiny too. At least most of them. I had always thought that I played better on shiny pretty piano's then dull boring piano's.

But then I had played mostly based on my feelings. The music being my outlet for the hurt or anger, Only once it had been happiness that I played to... The sound of joyful laughter had been floating down the long hallways, the unusual smile of pure joy written on my piano teachers pale face. I could almost see her there her bright expression highlighted by the intelligent green that shone beneath her long eyelashes.

She had been getting married. I had tried to convince her otherwise saying that it was always after you got married that everything fell apart. I had thought that of experience. She had convinced me otherwise though, the happiness that radiated off her was deceiving. I had been so honored when she asked me to play the piano at her wedding. I had been so happy for her.

However, It had seemed that my first assumption was correct because she died shortly after the wedding.

Now that I think about it, it wasn't directly after my piano teacher died that I completely lost my edge. Though that played the major part, the final straw however had been seeing her husband's reaction. I could still remember the silent tears that fell from his glossy brown eyes. His usually brave and kind face crumbling as he muttered in a broken voice, "Don't worry dear Christy, he won't get away from this"

He had died shortly after that, two gunshots in his chest.

I had learned a hard lesson that day. Any attempt to make things better only destroyed what you had. That grief-stricken husband's need for revenge had gotten him killed. I had tried to give Collins life meaning, stop his death from being meaningless, look where that got me…

Wait… where did that get me? Why couldn't I concentrate? Where was I? Where was John? Hadn't I just been talking to him? What is this bittersweet metallic taste? Why couldn't I breathe properly? Why did all the oxygen suddenly disappear? Why is my mouth numb? Why is the sand scarlet? What was that annoying voice calling my name? Who was calling my name? Why can't I breathe? Was that blood or water or citrus-water that I was swallowing?

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON?

My heart pounded in my chest so hard and fast that my whole body shook. I felt so cold, yet could still feel the sweat rolling off me in waves. It was a strange feeling, a strange horrible panicking feeling. A soft but strong voice broke through the mist of my mind, "Relax, Rodney" Followed by the sound of Velcro opening.

"Here eat this" The familiar voice shoved something salty into my lips along with some water.

A few minutes later I found myself looking into a pair of sharp hazel eyes.

"There we go, Rodney, let me see those baby blue's" John encouraged with his usual cocky grin. He helped me sit up and that was just to much effort. As soon as I managed it, I fell against my teammate and fell into blissful darkness.

_**John Sheppard. **_

I slowly shifted till I was laying on the ground, propped up against a rock. Rodney's head slid from my shoulder to the crook of my neck, his skin was soaked in sweat, but I didn't mind. I also didn't mind that his ragged and loud breathing was sounding right beside my ear, though it was unnerving.

I had missed all the signs. I had pushed my own teammate past the breaking point. He didn't even trust me anymore and I couldn't blame him. Oh god I was so stupid, So demanding, _Such a mean-_

"Sheppard? McKay?" the deep voice of Ronan called, interrupting my thoughts and Reminding me that we had left Teyla and Ronan somewhere up the hill.

"Down here" I whispered, knowing that he couldn't hear me, but not wanting to risk waking Rodney up. Then I had an idea and whispered into the radio, "This is Sheppard, were down the hill, you can come down, but be quiet."

I glanced at Rodney and saw that he was completely limp, his pale face even paler then normal and coated in sweat. I decided that, despite the huge sunken dark circles that hung under his eyes and the sneaking suspicion that he hadn't slept in ages, he needed to eat something. Those tablet things didn't last forever and he had just had a reaction so he needs something to eat.

I opened my vest pocket and pulled out a power bar, before slowly and carefully reaching for his vest pocket. He grabbed my arm before I could reach the pocket. His fingers were surprisingly strong, no doubt from typing at a computer so much. But what scared me was his eyes, the usual clear blue was clouded with hatred and anger. The eyes softened a half a second later, as he recognized me. I couldn't help but wonder who he had thought I was. "It's me Rodney, you need to eat something."

He grabbed the power bar from my hand and devoured it in seconds. Then his hands went sharply to his neck and he said, "Uh oh"

I was instantly on guard, my P-90 raised and my feet planted firmly on the ground. But then a sharp pain filled my neck and as my hands went to my neck I felt something plastic there. I pulled it out as saw that it was a trank, right before the world went black and I felt myself begin to fall.

I didn't feel myself hit the ground.

_**I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in forever, but I was randomly attacked by some dangerous plot bunnies. Which lead to the Stargate Atlantis Fanfic 'Blood and Ashes' It's much darker toned then this and this story has a few low dark tones, and am really surprised that I have such evil plot bunnies…**_

_** Anyways, My sincerest apologies for taking forever on such a short chapter. And leaving you yet another cliffie… **__**I promise to update more frequently on this story… and that I will try to make the chapters longer. **__**Now I'll talk about where this story is going. The main plot is surfacing now and soon you'll meet the official 'bad guy' of this story. And guess what it's not who you think it is… who is it you ask?... you'll just have to keep reading to find out...**_

_**A new poll is on my profile about who you think the bad guy is, but one of the answers is correct so it is like a spoiler! So if you don't like spoilers then don't read it or answer it. **__**Remember all reviews, favorites, and follows encourage me to write faster. ~Leopardfang**_


	4. A look into the past

_**Sorry to inform you that this is not a chapter, but it isn't an author's note either. It's a short moment from Rodney's previous life in this story. You can skip this if you want to, but it may explain to you what I imagined of Rodney's past in this story. **_

_**This takes place a month after Rodney's mother's death. In No one's Pov.**_

A too skinny young boy stood in the shadows of a small house, innocent sharp blue eyes filled with worry and concern as a small shape beside him released a ragged breath.

The boy's pale shaking hand clasped the girl's hand beside him. The boy had dark brown hair that just slightly fell into his blue eyes, while the girl beside him had long shiny black hair and blue eyes that mirrored the boy's. They both were covered in bruises and skinny to the point of starvation, there bones sticking out from underneath too-tight skin.

"Father?" the boy asked hesitantly, to the rather plump man that was sitting at his desk, typing numbers into a calculator.

"I thought I told you to not bother me while I'm working" the man said menacingly turning to them with a glare set in his cold blue eyes.

"But father, Danny passed out again today, he's starving..."

Without warning the large man's strong hand caught the young boy's face. His whole body moved with the impact as a bruise blossomed on his cheek. "I SAID THAT I WAS WORKING YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE-" he screeched and the boy flinched as another blow was thrown catching his temple and making him crumble to the ground in a ungrateful heap.

The girl instantly dropped to her feet, her hand held up to offer the boy help, but the boy slapped away her hand and hurriedly got to his feet, swaying slightly, and lowered his head in submission. "Of course, father, I'm sorry"

The father just took a swing of beer and turned back to his work.

The boy grabbed the girl's hand again and left quickly, pausing as his father's voice called, "And if I hear another peep out of you I'll tell Hawk that you demanded food again."

The boy continued down the dark hall pulling the girl with him. The boy's steps were unsteady and he clutched his now blue and black temple as he walked. He kept stumbling over his feet and his eyes were glossy and unfocused. The girl's pale chapped lips parted and she mumbled, "Brother, I'm hungry. When will he feed us next?..."

"I don't know, sissy, I don't know"

She then tripped over her shoelace and hit the ground hard. Her head had hit the concrete and her bright blue eyes rolled back in her head.

The boy crouched beside her, his pale hands shaky as they went to her neck to check her pulse. The girl's eyes opened and a soft moan escapes her lips. "Shh... sis. I'm here. Don't worry."

The boy gently laid the scrawny almost weightless girl in his arms. Her eyes slid closed and her head rolled onto the boy's shoulder. He winced as her ragged breathing caught noisily in her throat.

"I love you, sister, go ahead and sleep." The boy mumbled brushing the girl's blood streaked hair away from her now clouded blue eyes.

"Love ya'" the girl managed to mumble before slipping to sleep.

The boy kept walking down the hall and stopped at a closed door, slowly pulling it open and walking inside. He laid his sister down on a tiny lone bed with moth-eaten sheets. Turning when a small voice said, "Did you find any food?"

The boy's eyes met a small 5 year old. The boy himself was 8 and felt responsible for his younger brother. Yet he had to tell the truth, "I'm sorry, I tried, but I failed. I'm sorry little brother"

The younger brother let out a brief sigh before he muttered a, "I don't feel so good." And collapsed.

The older brother picked up the small shape and set him on the bed beside his sister, he pulled the sheets up over his siblings and whispered a soft, "Goodnight"

Then he released a heavy sigh, tripping over his feet and he fell onto the floor.

His previously steady sounding breathing became ragged and shaky as tears filled his eyes. He pulled his legs up and leaned against the wall behind him watching the world through dull glassy blue-grey eyes. His arms wrapped around his chest as silent silver tears trailed down his cheeks in rivulets.

On their own accord the boy's dark brown eyelashes fluttered together, and darkness enveloped him.

Thus ended another day in the horrifying life of Rodney McKay.

_**Don't fear. I've already started writing the next chapter, but this plot bunny was really determined to be written, and I figured that I might as well post it since it dealt with this story. **_

_**Remember Reviews, Favorites, and Follows, make me write faster ~Leopardfang**_


	5. Chapter 4 When you realize the truth

_**Chapter 4 When your world comes crashing down**_

_**Rodney McKay Pov. Three hours after chapter 3.**_

Memories are strange things. Strange Evil things. They steal away all your locked away secrets and your guilty conscience and bend it to their will, using it against you in your weakest moments. They come with faces that you wish you never knew, and places you wish you never were. They taunt you with things you could never have and things you lost long ago. They bring with them feelings that you thought you have buried deep, Feelings of guilt and anger and pain.

Flashes burst in front of my eyes.

My brother lying dead on the bathroom floor, a needle still in the crook of his arm, his usually bright green eyes dull and lifeless. "Danny!" I had called over and over, falling to my knees and rocking softly while silver tears rolled off my cheeks. My father had come in, the pain of his wife's death still lurking in the haunted depths of those eyes that used to be such a clear and sharp blue, that had been reduced to nothing but a dull and devastated blue-grey that was clouded in the need for revenge.

Honestly, It had scared me to see my once perfect family fall apart. I had trusted my parents before all of this. I had trusted my father to hold me when I cried and protect me from pain. So of course when my father screeched, 'THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT' at the top of his lungs I had believed him. Believed that it was my fault that my mother was dead, Believed that it was my fault that my brother killed himself, Believed it was my fault that my father became a drunk, Believed that I deserved to be punished.

"McKay?"

Someone just had to interrupt my thoughts didn't they? I was trying to think about something quite serious and then some voice just interrupts me like that. How rude-

"McKay?"

There it goes again, annoying me when I'm trying to inner rant. How absolutely rude, do I interrupt when someone is trying to think? No I-

"Rodney?"

I barely stopped a inhuman growl from escaping my throat. Because my throat is burning and my head is pounding and my ears are ringing and my-

"Come on, Rodney, let me see those baby blues"

I finally recognize the voice as John's, Even though John never calls me Rodney. Why would now be any different. Is he injured? At the prospect of John being injured my eyes jolt open and I see… that the world is still spinning. Just my luck. The next thing I realize is that…

"John, you look like shit."

His black hair is sticking out in all directions, not just up but to the side and the front, While his face is coated in mud and dirt. His lips pull up into a lopsided grin, that looks like a smirk and a smile at the same time. I hate that smile. It usually means something bad is about to happen-

"Well, you look worse. Now eat this"

There he goes interrupting my thoughts again. Even though I still grab for the power bar that hangs from his hands. I'm not really hungry but John keeps staring at me with this look that screams_, 'You-better-eat-that'. _I sigh dramatically and wince when sharp pain jolts through my chest. "Ow" I mutter unconsciously.

John gets this look of concern and worry and guilt. So I unconsciously find myself reluctantly pulling the silver wrapper away from the bar and taking a small bite. It tastes like the best thing I've ever eaten. It isn't even my favorite flavor, yet it tastes better than an Oreo Blizzard. I manage to devour the whole rest of the bar in a matter of seconds and when I look back at John he looks like he is about to laugh his head off. Uh-oh.

"You ate the wrapper!"

"_What?"_

I look down and see that the wrapper has magically disappeared, but I didn't eat it. Did I? My belly growls and I realize that I might have actually _eaten the wrapper. _

"Do you want another?" John has the concerned look again so I grab the other power bar and carefully peel of the wrapper before eating the bar much slower than I ate the other one.

After I finish I'm glad to see that the world has stopped spinning. For now anyway. I look around at my surroundings Seeing that I was in a small dark room. The room had tan walls and a single lone bed with moth-eaten sheets.

"OH SHIT!"

My voice was a unbelievable shriek at the top of my lungs. That seemed to vibrate through my chest with so much effort that I found myself with a sore throat and an aching chest. My head dropped and my eyes dropped to the floor, trying to ignore the fact that John was trying to get my attention.

The door opened and my gaze met some shiny black combat boots. My gaze raised to meet dark brown eyes framed by shiny black hair. My heart caught in my throat. My eyes widened.

I slowly stepped backward. John's warm hand grabbed my wrist and he stepped forward, shoving me behind him. I let him, still in disbelief from the fact that Hawk was actually _standing in front of me._ She brought a hand up. I flinched involuntarily, trying my hardest to stop the small tremble from my voice as I muttered, "S-stay away from me H-Hawk"

Hawk smiled while John's lips pulled into a primal growl. I had never seen such a unreigned expression come from John. Spit was actually flying from his mouth as he snarled like a dog. I had never seen him this furious and protective in my life.

_**John Sheppard Pov.**_

It was all I could do not to start strangling her. I didn't actually know who she was, but I did know one thing, that I had never seen Rodney this scared. I had never seen such terror cloud his usually clear blue eyes, Never seen Rodney McKay so afraid.

Honestly the rush of feeling scared me. Never before had such a possessive and protective feeling take over my rational thought. Then there was the rage. I had only wanted to kill someone once before, and that was Kolya when he was trying to kill Elizabeth, and then I had refrained to a single shot in the shoulder instead of a million in the head, and then I had been calm. But this was different. This time there was no hesitation when I growled and spit like a caged animal, Nothing but the fact that I had to be alive to help Rodney stopping me from trying to strangle her then and now.

Hawk clucked her tongue and followed my movements with her gun, Which I recognized as my P-90. Hawk began to speak, her voice was oddly soft and strong at the same time, like a little girl singing a lullaby, "Hello, little Robin. You gave Jay quite a scare. That she's paying for by the way. You should have seen her, so trusting that you had the strength to save her." She laughed, a cold heartless laugh, "Looks like she was wrong. Oh and look, you got a little guard dog."

With each word Rodney stiffened even more, until he was practically seething with fury. Uh oh. He lunged forward and his fist caught her cheek. She jolted backward in surprise as he used a roundhouse kick into her stomach_. 'I guess Rodney was learning from Ronan'._ She stumbled before lashing out her ankle into the path of his feet, causing him to stumble and fall backwards, onto his hindquarters.

I pulled Rodney upward and then stood in front of him. Hawk smirked and ignored me, instead speaking to Rodney who had begun to creep up until he was beside me. "You haven't told him have you? You haven't told him about how you _murdered_ your-"

"SHUT UP" Rodney screeched.

Hawk clicked her tongue. "Now, Now, Now. You know that I can kill Jay anytime I want. I suggest that you shut that ugly little mouth of yours."

Rodney froze, his blue eyes widening. He ever so slowly hanged his head and said, "I will be silent, Hawk"

Hawk smiled, though it looked like a mix of a grimace and a smirk. Then Rodney did something surprising, he slowly bent at the waist into a bow, his right arm across his stomach. His eyes stayed on Hawk the whole time, but when he straightened his fingers wrapped around my wrist almost as if seeking comfort.

Rodney's next words spitted hatred and rage, but they chilled me to the bone.

"I surrender"

But then a soft voice interrupted us, and I saw a women. She was older than me and Rodney, yet she still looked surprisingly young. Her long hair was shiny and spun in beautiful golden curls. Her dark blue eyes shone with intelligence and excitement. Her pale skin seemed to glow in the darkness but when her pale lips pulled back I saw that blood speckles her white teeth.

"Sweetie, didn't I teach you to stand up for yourself"

Rodney froze, jerking his hand away from my wrist. His voice was dull and without emotion as he whispered in oddly quiet voice to the smaller blonde women.

"Mother?"

_**I really am sorry that it took so long to update. I know what your doing- rolling your eyes and saying 'Just shut up and write the next chapter'- But I really do need to apologize. All of you awesome readers waiting patiently for my next chapter, only to be majorly disappointed when it takes me THREE WHOLE WEEKS for a EXTREMELY SHORT CHAPTER. Okay maybe I exaggerated that fact, in the fact that people would be patiently waiting for this story, I know it's not that good. Anyways the reason that I haven't updated in so long is for some reason, my wonderful spell-check has been acting up lately -Grr Microsoft- and that along with a vacation over Christmas and then coming back and being shoved back into school and archery. But that is not the only reason. I had the worst thing happen to me, all my precious plot bunnies ran away leaving me with a severe case of Writer's block. And I mean horrible. Three whole weeks and I had one new idea. Isn't that harsh, Karma bites. Anyways now I'll stop apologizing and fishing needlessly for sympathy, not that I want any I'm just rambling here.**_

_**I just realized that I keep saying 'Anyways' a bunch of times every chapter… hmm… that's odd.**_

_**Anyways, Look I said it again on accident! But don't really feel like fixing it. Back to the point, You know Reviews and Favorites and Follows motivate me… I'll hopefully update soon ~Leopardfang **_


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